Altered Reality
by Winter-Eyes
Summary: Rimmer's thoughts during 'Back To Reality'. Preslash.
1. Altered Reality

Spoilers: Don't read if you haven't read 'Back To Reality', as not only will you spoil the surprise but this will make even less sense than it does at the moment.

Archive: Yes please, just ask first!

Pairing: Lister/Rimmer

Rating: PG

**Warning**: Only pre-slash with nothing graphic, but if you don't like it don't read.

**Disclaimer**: Although I would desperately love there to be a Red Dwarf movie, I'm not pulling my hair out trying to find funding. The reason…I own nothing!

A/N: My second RD slash to be finished, despite the fact I started it before 'Polymorphed'. The idea was prompted by both my general dissatisfaction with the reason given for Rimmer's despair during the episode (identical to what Rimmer himself says about it), and what that episode means for slashers…something I don't think has yet been shown. Thanks for all the support I've been given so far, I hope this is as well received!

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Altered Reality

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Rimmer sat in the chair, listening to the man babbling away at him. His brain was still too woozy to understand what was going on. A virtual reality game? What was this fat goit wittering on about. Arnold J. Rimmer could tell fantasy from reality thank you very much miladdo. As Rimmer stood, a rush of dizziness swept over him. As he stumbled a warm, well-known hand grasped his own and steadied him. Rimmer looked over, and immediately knew wherever he was couldn't be all bad, as Lister's familiar face was looking back at him. Well…not quite familiar. In place of the dreadlocks that both endeared and infuriated Rimmer by turns was a sleek pony-tail. It certainly made Lister look neater, but Rimmer almost preferred the other man's amiable scruffiness to this foreign smooth exterior.

Suddenly, realisation pierced the fog clouding his mind. Lister's _touch_. Lister had made contact with him, rather than Rimmer simply passing through him like the ghost he often felt he was. His fingers tightened almost imperceptibly, relishing the feeling of Lister's skin under his fingers. It was a sensation he had both longed for and dreaded, another secret shame he had pushed firmly to the bottom of his mind and then thrown a drape over. Men who wanted to be high fliers in the Space Corp did not have feelings for other men; especially not ill-kempt, uncouth, infuriating curry addicts that just happened to be the only person who had stuck around as Rimmer's bunk-mate…even if it was just to make it easier to insult him on a daily basis. It was just another reason Rimmer often wished to be more like his perfect brothers, who always seemed to have yet another immaculate blonde ready on their arm to present at family functions. He often wondered darkly if they kept them in some sort of shared wardrobe somewhere, with a rota to make sure the girls were never double-booked. Rimmer had always made sure his career, or rather longing for one, had come first and if that left no time for women it certainly left none for men.

He was brought back to reality by the arrival of a dirty-looking man in a greasy boiler suit. Rimmer interrupted his reverie to direct his full attention on the new arrival.

* * *

Later, as they all shuffled into the recuperation lounge, Rimmer began to feel the faint twinges of despair pulling at him. Apparently not only had he made a smeg of his life, but it wasn't even his life anyway. The most worthwhile thing he done in the past two years was play a role in a computer game, and he hadn't even done that right. Rimmer didn't hold out much hope for his new life either…only a person who wanted to escape how they lived would want to play one of these simulations. His eyes strayed to Lister once more. Now even his secret was no longer straightforward. Had he know 'Lister' before, felt the same way? Was it something that had developed over the time they had played together? Or, and this was the thing that chilled Rimmer's blood, was it simply a left-over feeling from the game itself…some facet of the pre-programmed characters that had yet to fade?

Looking at Lister as the man slumped onto one of the padded sofa's, Rimmer decided the latter couldn't be true. For one thing, that goit of an attendant would have been sure to taunt him with the feelings if they had truly been an aspect of the game. The other two possibilities would just have to wait until their real-life memories returned. For all he knew they were actually lovers, and had never had to hide what they felt for each other. That was just as possible a situation as two strangers meeting for the first time to play a role-play game…wasn't it?

* * *

"Oh god…my name is Billy Doyle and my cologne is Eau de Yak Urine!"

Rimmer reflected he was really proud of his 'Ballad of Billy 'Granny Killer' Doyle' story. True, it was unfortunate that the identity belonged to him rather than Lister, but that was only a small flaw in an otherwise damn-fine piece of improvisation. He waited with anticipation to find out who Lister was, hoping the identity would provide some clue to whatever relationship they had…or indeed whether there was a chance of one.

Finding out Lister was rich worried him somewhat. Not only was this due to the reasons he articulated to the others, reasons that made him feel more like Rimmer than ever, but also the fact that any sort of meeting between a man like Lister and a shaggy-haired Yak impersonator like Billy was likely to be less of the 'wine and roses' variety and more of the 'please could your bodyguards not break _all _my fingers sir' type.

When Kryten…Jake…turned towards them with the identity cards, Rimmer had half a second to fear the worst. Then it came, and was so big it tore his world apart. He wanted his br…he was _in love _with his b…his br…his bru…his bruth…

Despair, bitter crushing despair, swept through him in a wave that ripped his mind to shreds. Worst of all, a part of the despair was that now he and Lister could never be. Rimmer felt like his body was operating outside of his control, all actions and responses on automatic, his thoughts locked in their self-destructive spiral. What sort of smegging son of a malfunctioning prosti-droid was he to have feelings for his own brother? To still _be _having them, even after learning the truth? The hectic car chase distracted his attention as he frantically called out warnings, but as the group raced into a back alley Rimmer could feel the black depression begin to pull him back into its depths.

When the gun appear, Rimmer barely needed time to think. He just stepped forward gratefully, even as the lie of a reason fell from his lips. This at least he wouldn't screw up, he wasn't even the one holding the gun. Rimmer closed his eyes, and waited for reality to end.


	2. Epilogue

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**Epilogue

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**

Rimmer took a deep breath as he stared around Starbug. It wasn't necessary, as he didn't need to breath, but it made him feel better as he tried to convince himself that he was really there. The mood-stabilising lithium carbonate had been detected by his light-bee, and its effect converted into a program to repair the perception software corrupted by the venom, but Rimmer still felt a lingering fear that this was another hallucination and he would find himself back in the neon-lit alley.

He looked around at the others, all wearing similar expressions as they dealt with how close they had come to succumbing to their own personal demons. At least now Rimmer could look at Lister without feeling the hot shame that had still twisted inside, even when Holly's voice had brought them back to themselves. He could hear Kryten expounding a personal theory, and winced at how false his own sounded. Rimmer had shared the same upbringing as his three brothers, and they were all richer, more successful and more important than he was. Billy Doyle's situation was hardly worse than his own life in that respect. He hazarded a quick glance round, but it seemed none of the others had seen anything unusual in Kryten's surmising.

As his gaze turned back to Kryten, Rimmer completely failed to see the calculating look on Lister's face, which gave way to a slow smile.


End file.
